Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
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Don’t talk to me about pain, I once had to teach my boomer mother that she can rewind her tv program and kept repeating “NO it WON’T effect anyone else who is watching it, mum”
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
Well well well…
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet
Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again