Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.

[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING

I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.

I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.

[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]

*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this

Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”

[on phone]

ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?

HER: We broke up. I told you last night

ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?

Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.

Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.

ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote

Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.

Looking for a pet that is friendly, loyal, fun and, in the eventuality of an apocalypse, tasty.

Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them

DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: IT’S-A ME, MARIO!
CHRIS PRATT: IT IS ME, MARIO
DIRECTOR: … better.

[slips the bus driver £20]

“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”

Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?

Funeral Director: Please leave sir

Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there

Me: “When’s your birthday”
Him: “here you go with that zodiac sign stuff”

Actually I just wanna check the court websites

My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.

throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..

I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.

“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”

“is there a difference?”

“na”

okay run it by me one more time

The Internet is good for two things

1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes

[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”

No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.

I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”

My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something

I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”

I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips

You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.