Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
You Might Also Like
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
I’ve been locked out of Tinder because of “unusual activity”. I must’ve got a match.
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
I bought you some jumper cables since you like to start shit
I feel attacked.
Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
ME: *first day working at LinkedIn* You need to have a DM jail feature
CEO: That’s a great idea
ME: Call it ClinkedIn
CEO: Get out!
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.