Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
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“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
taking a toddler to the beach timeline:
-pack the entire house: 1 hour
-find parking: 35 mins
-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins
-set up all your stuff: 25 mins
-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)
-pack up… 🤣
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.