Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
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Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
Day 2 without sports:
Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
When he asks for feet pics
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
It’s easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods.
But it’s harder to deter gents.
*Rides unicorn to work*
*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*
*Chats with mermaids*
*Argues with Medusa*
*Gets called in to HR*
*Fails drug test*
BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
is this how new cars are made??
3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.
My wife is napping quietly and the villain of this story is about to be this sneeze.
I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
half of twitter is horny, half is depressed and the other half don’t know how to do math
I bet the wise man who gave the gold had some regrets when he realized he could have just brought some incense
Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
Me: do you think I’ll get my harmonica back after the trial?
My Lawyer: I told you ten times not to bring it.
Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.Nope, not until now, dude.
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?