hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.
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60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
How to find Kentucky on a map
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶
Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?
Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶
[human resources]
Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?
Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot
A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
My blood type is coffee.
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again
The conversation w customer service has essentially been
“Hey yall said i violated the terms of service but i genuinely dont know what i did”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Aight but whatd i do”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Elaborate tho??”
*crickets*
FOOD HACK: If you are at a restaurant tell the server “I would like two beers and fries” and they will bring you an order of fries and also two beers. This works at most restaurants.