Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.

a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.

I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.

I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now

Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep

Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?

Him: …

*peeks under bathroom stall*

Did you hear me?

Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?

Husband: Yes. We had more money.

shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!

There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.

(To the guy at urinal next to me) You’re doing the right thing. Going here and not in your pants

How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.

I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.

Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing

Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it

When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one

Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich

*Dog steals and eats my sandwich

Dog: Okay, I’m ready

Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.

We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made

It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.

Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.

Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.

Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-

Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!

[date]

Her: tell me something about yourself

Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man

Her: …

Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards

before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life

I’m forming a Wham! cover band with 3 other bald guys called Hairless Whisper.

Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.

ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight

PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*

[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]

Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.

[slowly puts second tub in cart]

I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.

True story.