Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.

Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.

Wake me when AI does housework

Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.

Me: No.

I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.

Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave

rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him

Me :

All Day At Night

I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.

Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!

When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.

“WHAT DO WE WANT?”

i havent decided yet

“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”

i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter

What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.

Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”

LITTLE MERMAID 2016:

SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!

ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*

People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic

*crashes your wedding

Why aren’t you answering my DM?!

Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?

professor x: what’s ur superpower

me: i take things literally

professor x: that’s not a superpower

me:

professor x: where’s my pen

Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?

I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷‍♂️

ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it

America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!

Not being able to eat before blood work is so stupid. Yes I’m aware my funyon levels have spiked am I dying or not?

It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.

British drink offers for guests:

“Tea?”
“Coffee?”
“Water?”
“Squash?”
“Juice?”
“Beer?”
“Wine?”
“Something stronger perhaps?”
“I think I’ve actually got some [insert any quite obscure drink here] somewhere?”

Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.

If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.

I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it

I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.

Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE

Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO