Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?

Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night

Me: no, that’s mine

Neighbor: it’s definitely mine

Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods

Neighbor: I’m taking it back

Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this

local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “

I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors

Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*

Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?

Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie

[Walmart customer service]

ME: i want to talk to the manager.

MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?

ME: no, i just want to talk.

i got lost and locked in a stairwell at the NYC office and all i can think about is this meme while i wait for someone to save me

Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?

some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”

friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously

me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!

my haters are mad they’ll never catch me slippin because of my grippy socks

If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.

What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.

In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.

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Walked through a haunted house and just kept muttering to myself about how much I liked the aesthetic of each room, like I was shopping for a house. And then a guy with a chainsaw would jump out or something and I would be like ok geez

Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.

When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”

Whoever came up with “penny for your thoughts,” “don’t nickel and dime me,” and “another day another dollar” sure knew how to coin a phrase.

My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.

Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.

Unmatched

WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad

ME: the 5 potato options, please

I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.

just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat

Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.

I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.

Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weird

Walking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)

just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics