Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day
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AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
at ease…shoulder.
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
Quick observation about the passage of time.
I’m 44. Born in 1980.
1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.
1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.
2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.
2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
*3:30 am
House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?
Smoke alarm: I had last week
Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.
HA: Water heater?
WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!
Me: *almost falls out of bed*
HA: HAHAHA! Good work!
5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
Me: Aw.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.