Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
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Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?
hello 911?
ok first of all, happy new year
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
working on a name for my new business
my buddy says I can’t call it “Guillotines For Billionaires” because it sounds like we’re trying to sell the guillotines to the billionaires, which we are not
“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
ME: i’m depressed
FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better
ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.
My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!
They have creatures Noah didn’t bring into his ark. It’s a no
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”