Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
You Might Also Like
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween
guys PLEEEAAASEEE does anyone have the original pic of this thread it’s been on my mind for 2 days now
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what