@noogscorner: Hendrix didn't need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
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@adamochoa: freak people out in public restrooms by saying "come in" when they knock on the stall door
@Mom_Overboard: [looking in the mirror and thinking about how I'm created in God's image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
@rockymomax: wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news? -the baby walked! wife: OMG where is he? -i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake
@Blueorsomething: "I'm single by choice" I whisper to the pizza delivery guy as he hands me my change.