Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.

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When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question


On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten


Me to myself: don’t eat it you need to lose weight.

Also me: watch me eat this entire pizza.


“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”

-my excuse for everything


Open bottle, allow it to breathe. If it does not look like it’s breathing, give it mouth to mouth -Beer


When the KFC chicken grease starts haunting your arteries its called Poultry Geist.



BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!

ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.


If you don’t boo at people after bad sex how do you expect them to ever get better?