Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
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*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*
Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
6y/o: I don’t want to be a hunter when I grow up. I don’t want to kill animals anymore.
Me: ANYMORE!? *googling serial killer warning signs*
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”