@noogscorner

Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.

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@DBMaxP

When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question

@Number10cat

On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten

@food_shoes_life

Me to myself: don’t eat it you need to lose weight.

Also me: watch me eat this entire pizza.

@thisgirlstace

“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”

-my excuse for everything

@Pinky_0917

Open bottle, allow it to breathe. If it does not look like it’s breathing, give it mouth to mouth -Beer

@hero_ofthenight

When the KFC chicken grease starts haunting your arteries its called Poultry Geist.

@FrazzleMyGimp

[christmas]

BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!

ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.

@jake_lach

If you don’t boo at people after bad sex how do you expect them to ever get better?