Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
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Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
groan^2
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
I’m just playing devils avocado here
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
EXCALIBUR: Ok
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
Zero pick pocket attempts in europe so far. Do my pockets not look abundant? Am I not immersed in the moment? Humiliating.
boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too