Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
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kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!😄
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
I’ve watched this 17,467 times
I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
gentlemen, hear me out
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
My teenage niece and nephew refer to everything before the year 2000 as “the 1900’s” and, while technically correct, it still makes me want to slap them.
Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.
Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.