@utofellatio

Henry constantly confuses sleeping people with dead people. Henry is also a necrophiliac so things get awkward for Henry quick

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@mostlysharks

in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down

@laurajaylovette

Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping

@Phook75

If I’m ever kidnapped and forced at gunpoint to recite the ABC’s without singing the song tell my family I loved them

@dumbbeezie

I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?

@Divergentmama

This week I’ve learned no one was washing their hands, people think toilet paper prevents viruses and some of you have VERY strong feelings about the potato button on your microwave.

We’re all going to die, aren’t we?

@LizHackett

I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.

@TheMichaelRock

I forgot my work ethic at home today, but I did remember to bring my shenanigans and debauchery.

@rebrafsim

Me: i want a ferraro

Friend: ferrari?

Me: no just one