Henry: mom did you know that criminals can go to heaven?
Me: yes like if they believe in Jesus and ask him for forgiveness?
Henry: no like if they break in
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Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
A small tragedy.
Her: what’s your favorite position
Me: devil’s advocate
Her: i meant sexual position
Me: but what if you didn’t
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
[playing chess]
FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji
ME: no you say check haha
[sound of clattering hooves increases]
I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.
Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.
I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.