Henry: mom did you know that criminals can go to heaven?
Me: yes like if they believe in Jesus and ask him for forgiveness?
Henry: no like if they break in![]()
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I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
![]()
I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
Shower sex be like:
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
![]()
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*