Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date

Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.

The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.

[interviewing Matt Damon]

Matt: Well, in this movie I play-

Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.

ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit

“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone

I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo

The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.

them: it’s carl with a K

me: oh ok hi cark

My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁

keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.

– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?

[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me

omg leave her alone

Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner

My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat

When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.

Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–

i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.

it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey

OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl

Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.

How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop

[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi

[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there

me: this could’ve been an email

[gets email]

me: no not like that

Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.

Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.

Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.

[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]

*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*

Wife: it’s still NO!