henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
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Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.
Some women seated next to me are gossiping in French, they obviously think I’m some dumb American who doesn’t speak French and they are correct
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
A wise man once said nothing.
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
They delivered 70 boxes of snacks and water for our summer program. I unloaded 3 hand trucks in like 15 min. The delivery guy gonna say “I was gonna ask for your number but you too strong and independent I’d rather just tell you we’re hiring” 😭😭😭😭😭
Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”
17, “Have u seen my adderal?”
me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
Lmao
If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
mr. rogers: can you get me a pack of camels
amelia bedelia: *comes back with a caravan*
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti