henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
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“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
This coffee isn’t working… think I need holy water
Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,
ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.
My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”
sometimes my toddler throws stuff on the floor and then shouts “OH NO” and that’s kind of like what politicians do
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health