Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
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[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.
me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.
Acting like you’re reaching to answer the reference desk phone while you’re actually trying to let the other librarian get to it first is an upper-level skill, they don’t teach you this stuff in library school
When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.
I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can
Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green.
Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
can’t stop thinking about that time at the planetarium where they showed us a picture of earth and everyone booed.
We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.
* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday