Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS

Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to

waiter: do you have any allergies?

me: latex

waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat

me: airplanes

HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president

KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!

Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.

this one has claws

This one swims but can’t fly

This one is huge & runs funny

This one bangs his head against trees

– god making birds

Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.

Sounds like a bargain

3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.

If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.

Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.

I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.

Why did the chicken go to the gym?

To work on his pecks.

Our lord and savoury.

I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.

Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.

If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.

Whenever my “advanced placement” tween gets too brain cocky I like to remind her that I’ve had to pull a jellybean out of her nostril not once, not twice, but 3 times

* hears opportunity knocking

* chooses cheese instead

Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]

Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING

Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny

Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.

Kay’s emergency department tape rule:

If a farmer shows up with electrical tape on something, it absolutely needs sutures.

If it’s duct tape, it needs surgery.

AUNT: You look just like your dad.

ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.

I’m trying to eat healthily but there’s still so much cheese in the fridge. And it’s illegal to throw cheese away. Not sure what to do.

I guess I’m going to have to eat the cheese.

Yes. I am now actively eating the cheese.

I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat

to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶

Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking

Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.

Guy: Which way is left?

Me: *points to the right*

Guy: What is a horn for?

Me: Jazz

Guy: Where does gasoline go?

Me: *points to my tummy*

Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*