Her, 5: can I have another pickle?
Me: no more pickles
Her: can I stare at the pickles?
Me: sure
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[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
[company all-hands Zoom call]
CEO: The future is ahead of us!
Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.
Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.
Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?
I just got an email about a ‘remarkable women contest’ and my head got a little big before the next line hit me with, “Do you know any”
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
For real 🤣
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
*skinny dips into black hole
Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
blocked.
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
This guy just fulfilled everyone’s childhood dream 🤩
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.