Her, 5: can I have another pickle?
Me: no more pickles
Her: can I stare at the pickles?
Me: sure
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Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*
My whole life was a lie.
My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*
Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.
Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?
Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.
Dracula:
Her: oh
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
My soulmate is probably out there, wondering if there’s life on earth
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
titanic
[3am]
me: *sleeping*
brain: omg you’re late for work!
me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*
brain: lmao you’re so gullible
One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive