Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
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I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.
The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party
Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic
when i say “i hate drama” i mean i hate being involved in drama. other ppl drama? big fan
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
I like to scan my backyard every hour with a high power flashlight to let my neighbors know I won’t tolerate any weirdness around here
Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!
*looks at wife, wife shakes her head
Me: I’m not allowed
*kicks dirt
[bank]
Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!
Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke
Robber: No I mean-
Robber2: Wait! Let him finish
I tried to take a picture of myself in the shower, but my camera kept fogging up.
I have selfie steam issues.
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?