Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
You Might Also Like
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.
“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”
What are instructions?
“Correct.”
Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
Reasons people get divorced:
-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
Cop: Hey U!
U: who, me?
Cop: no the other 1!
1: who, me?
Cop: both of U!
W: who, us?
Cop: Yes you!
U: Who, me?
Cop: No!
No: yes?
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
Sorry I was late, I was waiting for my cvs receipt to finish printing
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]