Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
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my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
how to exercise your calf muscles
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
Crooks rob Chase™ Bank.
Cops chase bank robbers.
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
😂 amazing answer
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
eating my hot dog hamburger style
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.