Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
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Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.
please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke
-hearing my dog about to puke
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
Was dancing with a lad last night, and his mates dragged him away for the last train home… he said “my names Maff I’m from Kettering, find me”… imagine if life were that easy 😅
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*
Neighbor: I said to bring a salad
Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home
Neighbor: I don’t know that word
Me: It means ‘house’
I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
I’ve never seen anything sadder than me in a black cape under the salon lights with wet hair parted incorrectly by a solid inch
Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this