Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce

When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK

RT if you could go either way.

wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids

My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.

[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game

I am not a people person. I am a person person. One (1) of you mfers at a time and even that is pushing it.

When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?

Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor

Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.

I miss childhood because my back didn’t hurt and I didn’t have to make dinner every night

I used to devour books as a kid but the doctors made me stop because of stomach issues

yes yes a thousand times yes!

🤣🤣🤣🤣

[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]

“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”

My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin

Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.

if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine

Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.

There should be a job like: divorce doula. I’ll help you find a lawyer, convince you that you’re enough, take you out for drinks, let you vent & cry during that hard 18 months, eventually convince you that a $70 sex toy can replace anyone. Start to finish divorce support.

It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.

*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.

Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.

Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?

Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.

*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*

Cashier: “Are you moving?”

Me: “No, why?”

“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”

My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.

I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”

[driving on the highway]

My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.

Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?

Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.

I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.

I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.

Oh…wrong toilets.