Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: đ
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Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
âI need a woman like you in my lifeâ
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
Itâs ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
You know youâve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
âDonât boil lobsters, because they can feel painâ say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.
Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked âTurkish Deloitte!â Nothing. I said: âyou probably get that a lotâ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry Iâm not good at small talk.
*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
harry: finding these âhorcruxesâ sounds hard
dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one âmightâ be you
harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-
dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows
harry: hell ya
dumbledore: one is your blankey
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatricianâs waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on itâs own.
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.
