Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
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MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
No president next term. America needs to be single for a while to focus on herself.
Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.
I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.
Bay: come over
Me: no, I’m watching TMNT
Bay: I made one too
Me: but it’s awful
Bay: come watch it
Me: who gave you my number, Michael
Parent’s curfew with each child:
1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”I’m not mad ur mad
Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.
I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”
Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?