Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.

*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*

Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.

The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.

You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.

I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.

ME: I declare bankruptcy

CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico

[about to go in for emergency surgery]

ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?

“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”

Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!

Cat: I just want to be friends.

[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started

Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.

When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!

Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed

*my kid walks in*

Me: I see you’re a liar

Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata

My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.

Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.

I’m like a potato because I’m:

-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter

Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.

Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.

I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”

Asserting dominance by showing up to my doctor’s appointment already in my gown from home

Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!

My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.

Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups

Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.

wife: are you cheating on me?

me: no

wife: where were you between 5-8 then?

me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related

The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.

hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?

Dear hiring manager,

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE

A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother