When they try to steal your moment.
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The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
new wife guy just dropped
My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that’s it. I’m leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.
Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.
**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this