Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”

“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”

“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.

Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.

When I was a kid, Mom always wanted me to come to dinner immediately, even if I was playing a game. If I complained, she would say “I don’t care if Mario dies!” Which is probably why my neighbor Mario stopped coming over to play basketball.

Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression

Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-

Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE

Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.

Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.

Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?

Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you

Me: Not now Dad

Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?

Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator

Me: *puts book down*

your honor my client feels very bad he got caught

Netflix: we added a show you might like

Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like

Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer

Me: go on

Netflix: who fall in love

Me: that sounds ok

Netflix: starring Paul Rudd

Me: *calls in sick*

[During quarantine]

Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.

Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?

tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light

Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”

Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”

Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”

Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar

[blind date]

HER: I’m a ghost writer

ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?

He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh

My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)

Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend

wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat

ME: [staring off into distance]

HER: what’s wrong?

M: nothing

H: talk to me

M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump

*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*

“Ooh, that IS risky.”

Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today

When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.

When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…

You’re probably into some shady shit!

Yesterday one of my students told me that if he ever he runs into a teacher out in public he will never say hello because it would “Damage his street cred” so I reminded him that he has no street cred cause his mom still makes his lunch

me: I stand corrected

chiropractor: you’re welcome

Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.

My kids: ROAD TRIP!

My kids, ten minutes later:

Over the summer, I went to the very North of the Isle of Lewis on a field trip to map the geology there with a close friend of mine. The google street view car went past. We had a geological hammer. The following masterpiece, now on google street view, was the result

I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.