Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.
Him: What happens if they get overheated?
Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-
Him: *whispers* hot mess.
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People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.
Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.
How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
I needed a laugh this morning.
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
My brother drank a bourbon and challenged my kids to Mario Kart. My kids are about to learn how annoying it is to lose to my brother when he’s drunk.
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?