Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.
Him: What happens if they get overheated?
Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-
Him: *whispers* hot mess.
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*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description
Me: Why do you say that
The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
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“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.
When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?
God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
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called in thicc to work this morning
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
Poetry is my passion
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Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
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[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying