Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)

:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.

currently into monogamous friendships. if u have Other friends please dont talk to me it hurts my heart

Calling them ‘orcas who capsize boats’ is fine, but I just feel calling them Keeler Whales would be so much better

Walking around the house in my undies again…

Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind

A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.

Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.

Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.

Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.

*adds resume embellisher to resume*

Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.

If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.

“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”

The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!

We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.

When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.

My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.

When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…

Y’know, to buy myself some time.

[ancient greece]

teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis

hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine

socrates: I am examining what it means to be

ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear

shout outs to the guy at work tonight playing pool with his friend who asked me to play “Everlong” by foo fighters so he could “power up”, followed by his friend very sweetly and very earnestly asking me not to play it because he would “power up”

“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush

“When god closes a door, he opens a window”

Murder Hornets: Awesome!

If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost

Help me practice my knife throwing skills.

You catch.

Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.

It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.

Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home

Brownies: you lied

WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?

ME: Prince William should rent out some rooms in Kensington Palace to tourists. Call it Heirbnb.

HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’

[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do that

her: be a chef?

me: be manipulated by an animal

Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.