Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item

Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.

Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!

Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.

We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters

this country is so goddamn polarized

New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!

Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.

I have eaten the
11 bags
of 5 organic
gummy bears
and blamed the child I was babysitting

forgive me

they were so smol
and so mush
and I couldn’t stop
and now the internet
knows all

So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.

They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”

Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.

if you have never had a true email job, you might think – “it’s an email job, surely that means everyone at least checks their email and replies somewhat promptly when needed” but you would be stunned, stunned I say, to find the truth

Farmer: Netflix and till

Moonshiner: Netflix and still

Estate planner: Netflix and will

Dentist: Netflix and drill

Attorney: Netflix and bill

Mountaineer: Netflix and hill

Doctor: Netflix and ill

Pharmacist: Netflix and pill

Jack: Netflix and Jill

According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt

[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]

*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”

A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested

Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.

sometimes you do your food shopping for the week and every meal feels like a little treat from your past self, sometimes you do your food shopping for the week and every meal feels like it was planned by a malevolent buffoon, hellbent on crushing your morale

I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.

Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.

The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.

Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.

He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry

Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.

Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.

I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.

I want a job waking people up that I dislike.

Or I guess I could just get married

Chess with Australians must get so confusing.

“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”

studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics

Sunday

me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you

*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY

My goal is to do one thing each day that could prevent me from being elected to political office