“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
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I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.
Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
even bears disappoint their mothers
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
Wanna get rich?
Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”
Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.