Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
You Might Also Like
Show me a better name for a sugar company.
i was dropped as an adult
I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
why count sheep when I can count my troubles
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
**SIGN IN WITH FACEBOOK**
Me: So how do you want me to drop you off for your first day of middle school?
11: Just pull up and act cool.
Me: I don’t have to “act” cool, so I got this.
11: Daddy …
Me: Got it. Just be me.
11: DO NOT JUST BE YOU!
i shaved my chupacabra for this?
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.
[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.
mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san
daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?
mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them