Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.

I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.

So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners

[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass

I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”

Friend: ugh algorithms are the worst, don’t you hate how it’s all news and politics and sadness on your feed all the time?

Me, who only sees baby animals and dessert recipes: yeah totally, so awful

Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.

For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.

jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien

therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources

bezos: so that i can build my spaceship

therapist:

bezos: *licks eyeball*

[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,

I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.

My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.

*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”

Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.

My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.

Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.

little girl: he was a gift

horse dentist: then I cannot help you

Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-

Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!

I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people

Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing

Me: ok

T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.

there are so many of them & they are getting closer

uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos

Me: NO

The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.

Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.

*Gets dressed.

A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.

This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice

my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair

Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime

John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more

Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐