Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have 12 days until I have to change my password at work and can’tuse any of the last 15 passwords I have used, long story short, I’m going to need a new job.

My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward

ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby

ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here

You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible

Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching

If a mummy was chasing me I’d just walk slightly faster

Check out my online Assassination Course, where I teach helpful tips like: “Don’t tell your targets you’re going to assassinate them.”

Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed

dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river

Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??

New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it

doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*

🌱🌱🌱

I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.

DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.

ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?

Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok

When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.

2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy

My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.

Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.

My friends have canceled our dinner plans three nights in a row. I’m starting to think they don’t like dinner.

You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn

Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet

I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER

huge valentines day plans this year!!

Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.

parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it

[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it

“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”

My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.