Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!

INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?

People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.

[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang

My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.

A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.

Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.

🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶

In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.

WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less

Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!

Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.

celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop

If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.

The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!

Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex

Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”

[on Wheel of Fortune]

Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__

Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!

Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.

Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD

Buzzer: *beeps*

Studio audience: *groans*

I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?

I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.

[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]

Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*

My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.

[ explaining The Plan ]

jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs

god: look man, these ppl are idiots

If there was a cool Dem gov named Unford, and she picked him, they would by Harris/Unford.

[listening to twenty one pilots]

ME: ok ok one at a time

Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.

We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds

My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…

It’s called Wordle”

Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.