Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?

Me: Vodka

Guy: That’s classy

Me: Not in the amounts I drink

The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.

me: what do you want from me

wife: a divorce

me: i meant for christmas

Kids are so inquisitive.

“Will robots ever take over the world?”

Me: “Almost certainly.”

“But when? Before I die?”

“A bit before, yes.”

Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?

Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few

Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me

Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.

Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.

Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.

i just found this in my phone

Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*

My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.

*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*

*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*

Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”

Signatures as a form of legal identification purely theatre at this point. You’re telling me I can make pretty much whatever squiggly line I want on this piece of paper and now I control my father’s pesticide company? Grow up.

I think I may need professional help…

A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!

I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.

[ER]

ME: [scared] well?

DOCTOR: ur ok

M: so it was just a dream

D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them

I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.

I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window

Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.

If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.

Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.

Adult: What’s that a drawing of?

Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family

My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER

Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected

Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.

HER: how is remote learning going

ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels

Free him