Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?

~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.

I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.

My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.

It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.

“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager

[Lab]

Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!

Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins

vader: i am your father!

luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes

vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?

luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much

vader: i swear, i nev-

luke: you make me sick

A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.

me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world

genie: ok [snaps fingers]

me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed

genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly

The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.

I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.

at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”

Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa

ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii

If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.

A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends

As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.

Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms

Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.

women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed

So when rioters are just practicing the rioting do they use Molotov mocktails?

“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels

If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.

Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph

It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”

THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.

Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.

Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast

Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.

Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?

[hotel room]

Her: why are you making the bed

Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen