Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if i text u “🪗” it means u better start acting accordingly

Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15

Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.

“Who’s the new guy?”
“We’ll explain later.”
“But-“
“Just look at the camera, Steve.”

All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?

There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.

Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school

Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.

My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high

Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.

Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.

My husband is a keeper.

No, that’s not the word.

Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.

i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways

I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.

My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.

“Can I get a umm…”

-every person ever at the drive thru

🤣

ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie

I accidentally convinced people at work that I know what I’m doing and now I’m fighting for my life

Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder

Hobbes: getting a second opinion?

Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it

Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other

C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.

Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first

Me: welcome to my painting podcast

[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]

Me: it’s a mountain

[date started at 9 pm]

[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.

[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.

Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?

Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy

*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*

He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.

financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?

me:

[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badly

ME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex

Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.