Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music

They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.

Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.

5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.

Me: You grew. How is that my fault?

5: You fed me.

Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are

Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.

Really Jennifer? Most people love it.

First date:

*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*

Her: So, what do you do for a liv-

*bites her in half*

Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.

So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.

Wedlock even sounds like a threat.

Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…

Then I threw clock at her face.

What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?

Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.

I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!

“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”

Anxiety.

I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?

What can I say? Your script is great. A cop in a supercharged patrol car fighting insane mutant gangs along limitless stretches of highway in a desolate, post-apocalyptic landscape. Fantastic. But the title, Annoyed Max. We need to punch that up

I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.

Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream

Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*

Sheriff: can i help you son?

Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?

“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter

Woke up with morning Yule Log

me: what’s the weather today

weatherman: party sunny

me: and tomorrow?

weatherman: partly cloudy

me: what’s the difference

weatherman:

me:

weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much

[a red dot appears on my forehead]

Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?

[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]

Black cat: You got me boss

Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.

It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life

Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle

*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”

My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.

Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.

I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…

-I popped the question

Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?

Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.