her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
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So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund
Dying sensei: Please, be mindful.. If you remember just one thing… A butterfly flaps its wings… hurricane, across the world …
Me (writing down in my notebook): Butteflys Dangerous
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
Me: *watching the driver of the hearse in front of us jump out, race to the back, open the door, peek in, and slam it shut* Well that’s disconcerting.
Son: Nah, it would be disconcerting if he ran away from the hearse.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
Me reminding my kid of all the fun things we did this summer so when he’s asked on the first day of school he doesn’t say “Uhhhh nothing?”
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
🐕🍷
Me: Be good and I’ll give you a Fudgsicle
4-year-old: Give me a Fudgsicle or I’ll be bad
Positive reinforcement is no match for blackmail.
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”