her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
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Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-
I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull
Just experienced LA to its fullest.
A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.