Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.

I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paper

and cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliances

forgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes

[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]

Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.

I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.

Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.

An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…

I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.

The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…

If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.

Damn girl, are you an octagon?

Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.

I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely

My son – not this again

Cop –

I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.

(during sex)

Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.

using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…

UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.

Finally got the mustache thick enough where other mustache guys are giving me the mustache-comradery nod. Absolutely crushed it at Home Depot today. Neck sore from nodding.

if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing

him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better

me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying

I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.

[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]

Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”

A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.

Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life

*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*

Me: Hey babe…who did this?

Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul

Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?

If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.

Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805

Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.

A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.

If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store