Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers

Don’t let the woman with a smile on her face fool you … Oikos High Protein Yogurt tastes like feet.

Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free

ME *traps wasp under a cup*

MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*

ME: no

MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*

unmuting at the end of a call just to say “nothing from my end, thanks”

if you have a disgusting hacking cough ask your doctor if the seat directly across from me on the bus is right for you

me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-

boss: *leans in and whispers*

me: essential. they say i’m essential.

How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.

If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.

I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.

Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.

I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.

What if the weather talks about us?

me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow

her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?

*knock at the door*

me: yes

Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…

I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes

got so much cardio in today

Oooh. This looks like a fun and sensible web service on which to interact with folks of diverse points of view.

– Me, terrible with first impressions

My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.

Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.

Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:

Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.

Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube

I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.

[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there

“I’m taking a social media break.”

– People who will be back in 7 minutes.

“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now

DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool

There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.

Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.