Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.

My kids each place a toy on the checkout counter and hand the cashier a few plastic gold coins from home. The cashier smiles, I give a wink. She gets on the speaker: “Security, register 4.” They are cuffed & arrested for using counterfeit money. Time to learn about consequences.

My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.

Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.

She’s right about both.

Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.

Jfc.

No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.

[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.

I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.

the events of babygirl are so interesting to me. i wish new york was real

screw you

(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*

The game? A foot.

The door? A jar.

The Fred? A stair.

keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.

Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.

Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.

Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!

[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff

[my first exorcism]

Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *

Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started

The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious

The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.

ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon

Me: love it

ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon

Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes

ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon

Me: that’s an amer-

ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon

Me: goddammit

Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.

Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show

“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.

A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”

I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.

Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*

“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West

Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.

Me: it’s bed time!

My kids: PARKOUR!

If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.

(about to write the most famous lullaby of all time) im gonna go tell the baby he’s gonna fall out of a tree