Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.

If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.

When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie

Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.

imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from

My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.

You’re welcome.

This fish is cracking me up

West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.

Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?

Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep

operators are standing by to ignore your call

I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.

CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.

Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beer

The keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup

me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months

ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so

Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.

If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you until you regret it.

Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.

“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo

Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones

Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?

Me: no, the bones in my mouth

Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones

If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.

Probably with the other sock.

Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]

I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are

when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”

Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.

Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes

me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please

vendor: sorry cash only

Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.

Sounds like my sex life at the moment

My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri