Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder

My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.

We go on tour in the fall.

GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?

“Hygiene”

SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.

Meat Cute

my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up

me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair

[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]

HER: This is nice.

ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.

Firing squad leader: Any last words?

Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha

Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice

Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”

Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”

A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.

Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.

I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.

I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.

This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.

I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born

My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active

You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.

Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.

CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…

Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP

there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again

This chick just said Q as in cucumber.

I’ma just focus on me.

*Passing a note to a co-worker* can you trip me when I walk by so I have to go home? Circle yes or no.

Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.

Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”

Me: “The lunch bell.”

Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.

“YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER” – salt

Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards

CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]

[speaking at an AA meeting]

Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding

*everyone cheers*