Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep

Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”

nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting

Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.

Homeschooling update day 3:

Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*

My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to me

I have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell

where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away

don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine

Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?

Expectant Parent: What’s it like being a parent?

Me: Have you ever wrestled an alligator covered in vaseline?

Expectant Parent:

Me: Don’t worry, you’ll learn.

I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.

[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak

Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.

I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks

Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.

[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.

Me: Just once?

Dog:

Me: Please?

Dog:

Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”

Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?

Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.

yeah no that’s fair

Me: Your sandwiches are ready

16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*

Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten

16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten

I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist

Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.

My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.

[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe

[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together

[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this

[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it

[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”

Split the bill

[leaving for vacation]

Me: Do we have everything?

Kids: Yes!

Me: Let’s go!

[5 min up road]

Son: Dad, where’s mommy?

Me: *makes u-turn*

🤣🤣

My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”

I gave a yelp review once.

In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.