Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?

*goes home*

Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.

Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.

Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?

So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.

Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.

*7 talking to my father*

7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?

My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”

Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.

[vet pulls me aside] have you been teaching your cat martial arts
me: you mean purrate?

There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.

Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.

Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.

“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.

I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.

Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?

*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror*

*returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3

A toddler made fun of me today, and I got weirdly upset for a guy who can have a cookie literally whenever he wants.

The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.

“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder

FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight

ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?

FRIEND: um, like…to dinner

ME: cool, cool

Reporter: *ports again*

I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.

Brain: Let’s play a game.

Me: What?

Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.

Me: Fuuuuu……

Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”

“TGIM!” – My liver

[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin

[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–

[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…

[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*

*1st day of shooting —Naked and Afraid*

Me: I’m not worried. This will be easy.

Producer: We need to take your shoes—

Me: I quit.

My therapist told me that constantly fantasising about living off grid in a woodland cottage that doubles as a library that triples as an animal rescue centre, is actually a coping mechanism & a sign of exhaustion.

To which I say, well imaginary you is no longer invited

boba fett is short for robert fettuccine

ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?

GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]

ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.

GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?

ME: Because I care.