Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
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Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
[at Taco Bell]
Me: TWO SOFT TACOS AND A BEAN BURRITO BOYEEEEEE
Speaker: ˢᴵᴿ˒ ᴾᴸᴱᴬˢᴱ ᴾᵁᴸᴸ ᵁᴾ ᵞᴼᵁ’ᴿᴱ ᵀᴬᴸᴷᴵᴺᴳ ᵀᴼ ᴬ ᴸᴵᴳᴴᵀ ᴾᴼᴸᴱ
How times have changed.
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”Translation: They’re staring straight at me.
Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
A Brit accepting a compliment:
“I like your coat”
“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!
Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.
I feel it
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.
It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”