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@BDGarp: Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
@JohnLyonTweets: A tornado can get rough quickly, so it's important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”
@spikeWilton67: Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that's what I meant.
@AllanCresswell: Grampa: Back in my day, we slept on broken glass, you dunno how lucky you are.
Me: Grampa, please. We have Twitter, at least you GOT sleep.
@BackrowSeats: Salads don't kill people. People who eat salads kill people.