Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
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1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*
I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.
Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
Where is that goddamn asteroid already
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?
*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*
They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die