Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
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Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
How all things should be taught/explained.
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
[restaurant]
Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese
Her: … you definitely don’t have permission
Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan
Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
cause of death:
autopsy.
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
It’s so funny that people directly compare Dune and Furiosa when all that they have in common is that there’s sand
Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…
i kicked the back of her seat ONE time
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.