Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]

Wife: what are you doing?

Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon

Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.

Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.

Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today

Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah

Boss: My office please

Me: Ooooh

Boss: Not like that

There’s something so spiritual about new life. When I look my baby nephew in the eyes I can’t stop thinking about how amazing it will be to connect with him on LinkedIn.

me: a carrot is a crop

friend: yes

me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top

former friend: i suppose

[traffic court]

Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets

JUDGE: Repeat infractions?

Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets

A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.

If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.

Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe

Me: What do you sell here

Waitress: Just desserts

“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there

Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.

I took my dog for a walk last night and forgot something at home: the dog. I forgot the dog. Menopause is fun.

A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer

haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho

one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.

Remember when you were a kid, you slept on the couch and without saying anything you found yourself in your bed. Now you sleep in your bed and if you say anything, you end up in the couch.

Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.

*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.

Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.

Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.

Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.

Wife: *fans herself*

me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered

everyone on this work call:

Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???

My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.

My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”

He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”

That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO

This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.

My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.

doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?

My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine

*destroys head of lettuce*

*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*

My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana