Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”

Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?

Funny that all this nonsense just stayed in people’s heads before Twitter came along.

LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.

just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”

Me going back to a library branch I used to work at to pick something up

*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second

That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??

Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.

Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.

“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”

– The wind, apparently.

“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”

I’ve never met a libra

*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*

If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.

Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.

Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.

Anne Has A Problem

Anne Has A Solution

Anne Has A Will

Anne Hathaway

My middle finger will be answering all questions today!

One cake enters. No cake leaves.

i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.

A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does

I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET

Before marriage: Kisses

After marriage: Hisses

Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.

VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?

It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.

Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023

doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go

I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.

A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.

Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.

My birth announcement for our third baby

😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂