Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.

It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.

My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.

Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.

Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.

My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”

If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it

The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.

Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”

boss: u should’ve been here at 9

me: why what happened at 9

Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.

New friend- What do you do for a living?

Me- Disappoint my family.

Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp

okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic

[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour

If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.

when I go to parties I always bring my own plunger

me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos

I had a race with a smart car today.

I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.

*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*

Are black guys the ones with big dicks?

Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.

Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.

Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?

Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.

[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato

i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”

I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…

Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.

Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.

Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.

My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.

The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.

Called in, “Hey, macarena!” this morning.