Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
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me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag
My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
It should cost money to watch me bend over to pick something up off the floor
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?
ROBHURT: yeh
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”
A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped