Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
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Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”
Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”
Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though
Me: Can you help me with something?
Her: Not right now. I’m taking a nap.
Me: But your eyes are open and your phone is playing game music…
Her: Sshhhh, I’m sleeping!
SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
guys PLEEEAAASEEE does anyone have the original pic of this thread it’s been on my mind for 2 days now
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
Time to play: am I having an aneurysm or is my bun too tight?
Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
People are always saying “not today, Satan” but what if we just hear him out
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind