Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
You Might Also Like
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
Realizing that someone else will be in charge of this shitshow is really a selling point for demon possession
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
gandalf:
jesus:
gandalf:
jesus: lol, I just realized after I died and came back people started saying I was white too
gandalf: we don—we don’t have to bond over stuff
[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”
If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.