Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
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“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly
Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
Good morning, Twitter x
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”
23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.