just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
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When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
[Flat-earth expedition log]
Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.
Couldn’t finish the London Marathon. Gutted. Tried my absolute best. Just too tired. Maybe I’ll manage it next year.
Have put a film on instead.
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?
Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON
When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
Mistakes were made
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.
Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.