Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This is the entirety of an email I just got from a lawyer.

10/10 no notes.

Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.

If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser

Scrooge isn’t special, I too have been ghosted thrice in one night

I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.

I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail

1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. Me

Things my wife doesn’t want in cider

My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.

Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.

Guns don’t kill people

People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people

that’s my husband on the left and me on the right

“Does my uniform make me look fat?”,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

Insecurity guard……….

BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.

[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.

Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.

If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?

“What’d you do this weekend?”

I was shooting craps.

“Oh you went to a casino?”

*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.

My ideology is to stay away from people with ideology.

– “I love Beyoncé…

– Whatever floats your boat mate.

– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.

– …”

I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.

Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.

All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.

being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old

HER: i’m leaving you

ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?

HER: i mean what else would it be

People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier

I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.

I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast

I asked my 4yo what he was eating and he said “people,” which was quite alarming until I realized he was holding Sour Patch Kids.

Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?

Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”

[Attorney’s office]

*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*

Guess I just made an ash out of myself.

Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?

When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you