Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: I want a tattoo

tattoo artist: where?

me: how about over there on that chair

tattoo artist: no, where on your body?

me: on my skin, dude

tattoo artist: this is not funny

PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.

4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!

Me: Awwww, thank y—

4: It looks like a bug

Me:

Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day

Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am

Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?

Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.

Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?

Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.

CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?

My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.

TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.

Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.

Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?

Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.

“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.

Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.

Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.

Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again

I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support

Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.

Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:

– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle

[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?

OBAMA: How did you get this number?

⚠️ Important Reminder:

🥃

*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH

You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.

I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.

My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.

My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.

Nobody stretches the definition of “salad” like a Southerner at a summer barbecue

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Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.

Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked

What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?

Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.

My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂